Reality Check

f... Intresting how my life is. Seems when things get to be to good ... hmm ... No I think a better way to say it is comfortable the rug is taken out from under me and I again start looking over my shoulder waiting for the next slap to the face to come (first two already have landed waiting for the last one to show b/c in my life things always come in threes).

Seems like good guys always finish last doesn't it? I mean yes I admit I can be a huge asshole at times hell borderline jerk (and yes there is a big difference between the two) but all around I am a damn nice guy. I'm the guy who holds the door open for you even when you a football field away from me (I exaggerate of course but you get the point). I'm that guy who will tell you that you look amazing even if I don't know you. I'm that guy who will rush to your house at two in the morning b/c you need someone to talk to. I'm that guy who will do the impossible for you just to show you I care. I'm that guy who listen to you and hold you while you cry telling you that everything will be fine. I'm that guy who even though his life is crashing down around him he will put that aside and be the Superman you need. I'm that guy who is the foundation that has to stay strong b/c it all depends on me (or so I think anyway). I would willing take a bullet for anyone of my friends and seriously someone I don't know with a fucking smile simply b/c I know they got to live even if for one more day. All this and still a select few of us get the short end of the stick. Funny how that works huh?

 I should of known something was going to happen too. Sleepless nights and no dreams after finally getting back to a some what normal sleeping patteren gave it away I just wasn't looking for the signs ... sigh ... (runs hand through hair)

I had it under control after what seemed like an eternity and a half!... I had control again (made me forget how easily the life you live can shatter and leave you deaf, dumb, and blind as it blindsides you) and like a child being rip away from his parents arms it was taken from me. Again I had no control and I know all to well that this won't be the last time ... doesn't matter what I say or do.

All of a sudden I start to feel things I have long since stored away. Maybe that's my problem I put things away instead of letting them go. Try and try as I might I just can't let go. It's like a volcano has erupted on the inside and I has this feeling of drowning. Everything starts to fade away and all I am left with is this feeling of drowning. Each breath I take reminds me that it's not really happening but as soon as I realize that I start to drown again ... side note - Funny how my worst fear or one of them is drowning- ...

Calm down, everything is alright I say to myself, but honestly is it really? I'm fucking awake at two in the morning and I am no where near being tired enough to go to bed ... I think that answers my question ... bugga! ... How is this right in any type of FUCKING WAY! Almost Instantaneous everything is turned upside down and for no reason other then to just ruin everything ...

It's as if I'm at war. A war that won't make network news, nor making it on any news papers, hell not even on youtube. Only a few people will know of it and even then it will seem as if I triped a bit while I was walking instead of the actually thing which feels as if I stumbled and fell from the heavens and only had the earth to break my fall. I feel so battered and worn it's sickening.

I try to laugh and shake it off but no not tonight. I try to bottle it up but I stop b/c I know it's not good for me. I try to tell myself I am just being dramatic but this time I am not. I try to breathe but with no avail.

Back to square one I guess .... wooobeefuckingdooo  

You have to be ready for the curve ball

So life likes to keep me on my toes. Just when I thought things were gunning my way life decides it's time to remind me that it's the boss and not me. Things swacked me right in the face and left me for dead pretty much.

Now granted it sucked I'm doing much better now.

In fact I think I was going over bored for a bit with ^^. Yeah but I'm keeping the beginning up just to see how dramatic i can be lol.

Things is that things really did change and while I wouldn't say it was a horrible change I still don't like it and honestly I'm tired of my past finding a way to effect the present but what can you do but roll with the punches and keep on swinging.

So it didn't work out with this person like I had hoped. To much happened and whatever was there went up in a blaze of smoke. Looking back at it I still get a feeling of frustration but I keep level headed and understand that shit happens (especially to good people). Though things didn't end bad between us hell we are still good friends and maybe it's better that way .... who knows...


This College this isn't easy that's for sure but I am glad that the challenge has been keeping me on my toes for the most part. Having real trouble in one of the four classes I have but with a little can-do attitude I'll be okay (as well as pulling my head out of my ass lol). So much I've learned over the past two(ish) months and I couldn't be happier about it. SUU keep it coming please XD

So I'm living with my best friends and I just have to say that these two wonderful idiots have kept me sane (as hard as that is to believe they really have) and helped me keep my cool when things have been rocky. Shit seems to happen to the three of us all the damn time and I think it's good that there is three of us to carry the load.

Hmm ... A very interesting start to the new year. About ten months left ... This should be a very eventful year (has been so far) ... I wonder what's in store ... 

 

Poem: Confused Reality

I look deep into the eyes of the man in the mirror ...

What is it that i see? ...

I look at my soul and count the scars ...

Wearing each one as to say, "I'm still here!" ...

What is it that you see? ...

High walls that hide what's behind my dark brown eyes ...

They make you wonder what's on the other side ...

I try to talk out loud ...

I hear my voice full of emotion, power, and force ...

Telling you how i feel ...

You listen to what I have to say ...

You  hear my voice full of pain undertoned with fear ...

Dancing around every question like all the times before ...

I reach for whatever is left of my life ...

Holding it together as I move along ...

Never giving up no matter the cost ...

You watch me reach for new life ...

Falling apart as i try to hold on ...

About to reach my breaking point ...

Finally I realize the thin ice I built my life on is about to break ...

Taking everything I care about ...

Within seconds all is to be gone ...

Finally you see my eyes have been opened to the truth ...

I look for you ...

Are you walking away? ...

A New Time has arrived

   It's been forever since I last wrote in my blog and so much has changed since then and thank the lord all
this change has been for the better!

   I read older posts I had ... Hell every other post besides a few ... written and my life seriously sucked. I'm lucky I had good friends and family to have made it past all of that sane and sound (for the most part anyway lol). It's truly crazy how much has changed in only six(ish) months. I'm such a happier person and everything in my life is great. Yes I have had long nights and some rocky moments but at the end of every day I have had a smile :) and I know things will get better if they are not already! I can't thank everyone in my life enough for the change that has happen to me.

   I finally found someone who can really make me happy! I was so surprised by who it was (though really I wasn't at the same time!). Things look like they could work and I sure as hell know I would give it my all to see that it does. I''m giving myself a bit of time to see how things play out but I am excited for the future and what it holds! After everything that I went through to get to this point in my life with this type of thing I am truly glad that it has worked out and honestly I have found who I am and what I want. I just hope things can work out between us. It would truly be one of the greatest things in my life. Only time will tell and I choose to make something happen so I can have a chance!

   Finally I am back in college and I have to say I missed it more then I thought (which was already a lot!) and I will not take it lightly at all. All my classes are amazing even ones I had second thoughts about! Who knew things could be so great with the type of classes I am taking. So much is in store for me and I can't wait to see it all! So much goes through my head as I sit in class and I can feel my thoughts form more rapidly  and become more sharp. The knowledge that is gained through a higher education is truly unbelievable and I am more then happy to be able to receive this type of gift.

   Funny how even though I am loving college I can't help but think how I cannot wait for summer. Something tells me that this coming summer is going to be one for the books. I only have good feelings about this coming summer which is something new for me b/c so many times before I would dread the coming of summer for it would always bring change, change that would completely ruin my life at the time. I feel as if the memories and moments that will come of this summer, hell this semester before the summer as well, will shape my future for the coming years. This time around I cannot wait for it!

   Hmm ... things with my mother really haven't changed ... Things are good some days then horrible other days ... Though after long talks with both my best friends and my mother I have come to realize that I shouldn't stress or be angry at things I cannot control. While I can't say that I have completely released all the angry and stress I have over this situation, I can say that I have become better at not letting it effect myself. I am starting to cope with it better and I do what I can for my mother to make things easier for her, or at least I try to. I try not to think about it as much as well. It's not good to dwell on things like that. I will never be able to accept this completely simply b/c it means my mother will be taken from me to soon but I can understand it and do what I can for her.

   I choose to believe that after everything I am becoming a good man. That I have finally started learning from my major past mistakes. That I am a good friend that would give his arm for them. That I am a good brother, son, and family member who would give his life for his them without a second thought. That I can be a good partner.

   Seems like this Superman finally found his colors and knows who he is. It's been a while since things have been this good and never have they stayed like that for a long period of time until now. Most things are in my hands to keep them the way they are. The only person I can blame for things going wrong will be me. I sure as hell will make sure that I don't drop the ball. Things will stay good no matter what happens b/c I don't want to go back to what I was. It was a dark place and nothing good came out of it, well besides that fact that I know what rock bottom is so I can appreciate things way more then I did.

   If anyone ever has said that not a lot can happen in almost 20 years of someones life, less actually If I think about it, then they haven't met yours truly. Whatever happens from here on out is on me. No excuses no surrender. Win or lose I will do things my way. This time around I will have control.

   I stop with this one thought ...


  If everyone who is old enough to understand the dfference between right and wrong were to all commit one random act of kindness everyday there would be over 5 to 6 billion acts of kindness in the world ... Tell me then that would the world be like after that?

Things happen when you least expect it or haven't been looking for it ...

   I have always thought so much about how things in life usually only happen when you least expect them to the point where I've lost my sanity some nights. Has it ever occurred the whatever higher being that life is a total bitch sometimes and a bit of warning would be nice? Staying on that subject, life does always warn us about the idiocies we are about to commit but we open heartily choose not to listen thus allowing life to set a fucking time bomb off in our face because we did not see the writing on the wall. I woke up one day and after a horribly long fought day (full of nothing but me stepping on land mines it seemed) when I decided it was time to tap out I realized that life is a bitch then you die. No matter what happens you will wake up the next day either feeling the day (or days depending who you are and what type of life style you live) before this one and letting it completely ruin the mediocre life you live. Some still wake up like the rest of the losers that fill this world but instead of letting there past hold them back from greatness have gone a step beyond the "normal" and become something in this life, in their life. They mite not become world leaders, generals, doctors, lawyers, teachers, star athletes, or even parents but have done something all those "great" people (or so society tells us they are aside from the parents they truly are the real B.A.M.F's of this world at least those who choose to be) have done. They have chosen to wake up every morning looking to do at least one good deed, they have chosen to be there when their friends need someone, they have chosen to teach to those who are willing to learn, guide those who are lost, and always have a smile with what they do.

   They are only two types of people in this world. Those that let their past keep them down and those who keep going even if every single step they take is more then what they can handle. I ask any and all who read this ... where do you fall under ? You don't have to post anything. This is just something you ask yourself and be honest you know who you are. Why are you this one or the other one ? What can you do to change or become an even better person ? ... Who are you ?

   Time after time I see whats in front of me a bit to late and I let it slip through my fingers. Have you ever had something in front of you and because your blinded and scared you let it go without a second thought until its to late and you have lost it ? Ive done that twice now in my life and it never gets easier I can promise you that. I hate that a lot of times I can't seem to get what life is trying to tell me until its to late and that bomb we were talking about earlier goes off and I'm knocked down. I keep getting up because after a good while all I knew was the ground and nothing I did got me up and many times I wanted it to all end so never again will I let myself become that ! That's way I will always get up and keep going even if it kills me
   I say that what makes a man hell what makes a person isn't what the do when there stranding but what they do when life knocks them down and does all it can to keep them there! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and that statement is life in a nut shell for those who have ever been through some type of hardship and are alive and kicking screaming back at life with a good ol "FUCK YOU BITCH I'M ALIVE AND NOT GOING TO STOP NO MATTER WHAT!"

ps.
Change is coming are you ready ?
Change is coming am I ready?
Who are you ?
Who am I ?
Why do you care ?
Who do I care ?
Will you ever learn ?
Will I ever learn ?

Who is me ... Why am I me ... What does me do

   The past couple of days I have been emotionaly bombarded by life. i feel as if my journey to find myself has became something more then even i could of possible imagined. i believe finding who i am was only part of this new journey and now that Robert Haro is finally here its time to find out why i feel empty inside. I have lately been able to be there for friends of mine and that helps shake the feeling of emptiness but at the end of the day its like i am missing something. Its like no matter what I do or no matter how much I get done its never enough to completely feel like i have accomplished something.

   I try to do what I can to help ppl. I find that its the best thing i can do to make something of myself in this world, hell in my life. I think i do an alright job i mean just a couple of last nights ago i went to my best friends house at 1:00 oclock in the morning just b/c i thought he needed someone to talk to. Yet day after day I all ways feel like "is it enough? Am I worth anything?" ...

   You ever wake up one morning and just feel like no matter what happens you will be on top ? You ever wake up one morning and feel as if no matter what you do everything will work out for you ? You ever wake up one day and just feel lik you can take on the whole world and then some ?
  
   You ever wake up one morning and feel as if the moment you step out of bed life is going to find every single way to ruin you ? You ever wake up and feel like a Superhero an by the end of the day reality sets in and you fall out of the sky ? You ever wake up one morning and just know it wont be your day ?

   So much of your day rides on how you feel in the morning. If you choose to have a positive mind set then you are already one step the right direction for the rest of your day. You can only control so much that happens in life (that is certainly true) but the one big thing you can control is how you react to what happens day to day. Do you let it get to you to the point where you can't fuction or do you press forward and live life? So many choices but the ball is always in your court!

   Days like this remind me of how awesome I am. It mite sound concedied to some but if I dont tell myself how amazing I am who will ? I was with family today out in gunlock (I believe that is in Utah but not sure lol) today and repeated I was told how such a great young man I have turned out to be and that with being the oldest of my generation (in my family of course) a lot of pressure rides on my shoulders but that they wouldnt have had it any other way. The love me very much and sometimes I forget that but being reminded helps me get passed the feeling of failure I sometimes have.

   My mother with one convo. has made me a better man. What she told me devastated me and completely changed not only the way I see her but women in general. The I see women as these flowers that need to be taken care of (not saying that they cant do it by them selfs b/c they can). What I mean by that is being a gentleman is a lost art it seems and very few men treat women the way they are meant to be treated. Its a sad day in my life when men treat women wrongly ! It is truly a crime of the worst kind ! ... Now though the view has been inhanced incrediblely ! Mom if you ever read this know that I truly love you so much and I hope I can be a man, a son, a brother, father, a partner, a person you can be proud of ! I know you tell me that all the time but I truly hope Im doing right by you :)

    Who is me ... Robert Haro aka Superman ... Why am I me ... I choose to be who I am because I live life the best way I can always making sure I csan make as difference wether it be with my life or someone elses ... What does me do ... Be the best version of me! Life is easier when you have good family and friends and I try my best to be a good family member as well as a good friend ...

   I. Choose. To. Be. More.

I remember ...

   So my last two days have been they most bitter sweet days Ive had in a long while ... Yesterday I just witnessed my mother (for some god awful reason) barely be able to get out of bed and that was with my Dad having to help you up like he would my great grand mother ... My ggm has 60 years on my mom tell me that isnt wrong I dare you ... She cant move she can barley stay awake long enough to watch a thirty minute show, she has goten out of bed i believe four times in two days ... I had hoped many more years would of gone by in both my mothers life and mine b4 I had to fetch all my mothers things b/c she cant get up b/c the pain is to much for her ... I hate saying things like why me (or her for intance) but come on really ?! why it feels like a horrible strom that jsut doesnt leave ... yah it goes through its ok patches but in the end of the day ... its tearing apart everything ... I hate ( an i never hate its just alot of work to hate) this I feel hopeless day after day after day (even feeling gulity for wanting to go to bed earlier b/c I alwasy worry "wat if she needs me tonight" .. is that even healthly?) .... I cant do anything about it ... all I can do is be there for my mom when she needs me but even then it feels like its to little of a part that im doing ...

   Its been sweet b/c today i had orienatation an I was truly a blast !!! It was great getting to know new ppl an it really got me excited for college I cant wait ....

   Which then makes me think "oh man what if she needs me while im gone" I not that far away from home (about an hour an 10 minutes)  but I still wont be there to take care of my siblings when she cant ... ahhhhhhhh Its so much some times I cant breathe ... Like the weight of the world I hold up .... I shouldnt worry as much as I do It isnt healthly I know that but dam it I cant help it .... Everyday I see my mother slowly slip away from me, from her family... Its not so fast the she will be gone soon (knock on wood!) but I know that she wont be there when Im older ... I remember the days when she held me tight and I thought to myself  "she may not be perfect but I wouldnt want a different mother ... she loves me more then Ill ever be able to understand" I remember when she would smile more and have more fun ... i remember when she wasnt battling every day of her life ... I remember it alll .... Ahh I'll stay up late so mad I see red ... so fucking furious at the world, at life, at watever higher power there is (if there is one), at myself ... at everything ... My blood boils an I hav to get ahold of myself an say "breathe man ... breathe ... thats all you need to do right now ... jsut breathe" ...

  I hope and have faith for the day when all Is ok but some days its almost impossible ... Ill never give up Its not in my blood and I hate those words an what they mean  ... but some days its just a lot to take in ....

Even for Superman 2.0