I remember ...

   So my last two days have been they most bitter sweet days Ive had in a long while ... Yesterday I just witnessed my mother (for some god awful reason) barely be able to get out of bed and that was with my Dad having to help you up like he would my great grand mother ... My ggm has 60 years on my mom tell me that isnt wrong I dare you ... She cant move she can barley stay awake long enough to watch a thirty minute show, she has goten out of bed i believe four times in two days ... I had hoped many more years would of gone by in both my mothers life and mine b4 I had to fetch all my mothers things b/c she cant get up b/c the pain is to much for her ... I hate saying things like why me (or her for intance) but come on really ?! why it feels like a horrible strom that jsut doesnt leave ... yah it goes through its ok patches but in the end of the day ... its tearing apart everything ... I hate ( an i never hate its just alot of work to hate) this I feel hopeless day after day after day (even feeling gulity for wanting to go to bed earlier b/c I alwasy worry "wat if she needs me tonight" .. is that even healthly?) .... I cant do anything about it ... all I can do is be there for my mom when she needs me but even then it feels like its to little of a part that im doing ...

   Its been sweet b/c today i had orienatation an I was truly a blast !!! It was great getting to know new ppl an it really got me excited for college I cant wait ....

   Which then makes me think "oh man what if she needs me while im gone" I not that far away from home (about an hour an 10 minutes)  but I still wont be there to take care of my siblings when she cant ... ahhhhhhhh Its so much some times I cant breathe ... Like the weight of the world I hold up .... I shouldnt worry as much as I do It isnt healthly I know that but dam it I cant help it .... Everyday I see my mother slowly slip away from me, from her family... Its not so fast the she will be gone soon (knock on wood!) but I know that she wont be there when Im older ... I remember the days when she held me tight and I thought to myself  "she may not be perfect but I wouldnt want a different mother ... she loves me more then Ill ever be able to understand" I remember when she would smile more and have more fun ... i remember when she wasnt battling every day of her life ... I remember it alll .... Ahh I'll stay up late so mad I see red ... so fucking furious at the world, at life, at watever higher power there is (if there is one), at myself ... at everything ... My blood boils an I hav to get ahold of myself an say "breathe man ... breathe ... thats all you need to do right now ... jsut breathe" ...

  I hope and have faith for the day when all Is ok but some days its almost impossible ... Ill never give up Its not in my blood and I hate those words an what they mean  ... but some days its just a lot to take in ....

Even for Superman 2.0