Reality Check

f... Intresting how my life is. Seems when things get to be to good ... hmm ... No I think a better way to say it is comfortable the rug is taken out from under me and I again start looking over my shoulder waiting for the next slap to the face to come (first two already have landed waiting for the last one to show b/c in my life things always come in threes).

Seems like good guys always finish last doesn't it? I mean yes I admit I can be a huge asshole at times hell borderline jerk (and yes there is a big difference between the two) but all around I am a damn nice guy. I'm the guy who holds the door open for you even when you a football field away from me (I exaggerate of course but you get the point). I'm that guy who will tell you that you look amazing even if I don't know you. I'm that guy who will rush to your house at two in the morning b/c you need someone to talk to. I'm that guy who will do the impossible for you just to show you I care. I'm that guy who listen to you and hold you while you cry telling you that everything will be fine. I'm that guy who even though his life is crashing down around him he will put that aside and be the Superman you need. I'm that guy who is the foundation that has to stay strong b/c it all depends on me (or so I think anyway). I would willing take a bullet for anyone of my friends and seriously someone I don't know with a fucking smile simply b/c I know they got to live even if for one more day. All this and still a select few of us get the short end of the stick. Funny how that works huh?

 I should of known something was going to happen too. Sleepless nights and no dreams after finally getting back to a some what normal sleeping patteren gave it away I just wasn't looking for the signs ... sigh ... (runs hand through hair)

I had it under control after what seemed like an eternity and a half!... I had control again (made me forget how easily the life you live can shatter and leave you deaf, dumb, and blind as it blindsides you) and like a child being rip away from his parents arms it was taken from me. Again I had no control and I know all to well that this won't be the last time ... doesn't matter what I say or do.

All of a sudden I start to feel things I have long since stored away. Maybe that's my problem I put things away instead of letting them go. Try and try as I might I just can't let go. It's like a volcano has erupted on the inside and I has this feeling of drowning. Everything starts to fade away and all I am left with is this feeling of drowning. Each breath I take reminds me that it's not really happening but as soon as I realize that I start to drown again ... side note - Funny how my worst fear or one of them is drowning- ...

Calm down, everything is alright I say to myself, but honestly is it really? I'm fucking awake at two in the morning and I am no where near being tired enough to go to bed ... I think that answers my question ... bugga! ... How is this right in any type of FUCKING WAY! Almost Instantaneous everything is turned upside down and for no reason other then to just ruin everything ...

It's as if I'm at war. A war that won't make network news, nor making it on any news papers, hell not even on youtube. Only a few people will know of it and even then it will seem as if I triped a bit while I was walking instead of the actually thing which feels as if I stumbled and fell from the heavens and only had the earth to break my fall. I feel so battered and worn it's sickening.

I try to laugh and shake it off but no not tonight. I try to bottle it up but I stop b/c I know it's not good for me. I try to tell myself I am just being dramatic but this time I am not. I try to breathe but with no avail.

Back to square one I guess .... wooobeefuckingdooo