Reality Check

f... Intresting how my life is. Seems when things get to be to good ... hmm ... No I think a better way to say it is comfortable the rug is taken out from under me and I again start looking over my shoulder waiting for the next slap to the face to come (first two already have landed waiting for the last one to show b/c in my life things always come in threes).

Seems like good guys always finish last doesn't it? I mean yes I admit I can be a huge asshole at times hell borderline jerk (and yes there is a big difference between the two) but all around I am a damn nice guy. I'm the guy who holds the door open for you even when you a football field away from me (I exaggerate of course but you get the point). I'm that guy who will tell you that you look amazing even if I don't know you. I'm that guy who will rush to your house at two in the morning b/c you need someone to talk to. I'm that guy who will do the impossible for you just to show you I care. I'm that guy who listen to you and hold you while you cry telling you that everything will be fine. I'm that guy who even though his life is crashing down around him he will put that aside and be the Superman you need. I'm that guy who is the foundation that has to stay strong b/c it all depends on me (or so I think anyway). I would willing take a bullet for anyone of my friends and seriously someone I don't know with a fucking smile simply b/c I know they got to live even if for one more day. All this and still a select few of us get the short end of the stick. Funny how that works huh?

 I should of known something was going to happen too. Sleepless nights and no dreams after finally getting back to a some what normal sleeping patteren gave it away I just wasn't looking for the signs ... sigh ... (runs hand through hair)

I had it under control after what seemed like an eternity and a half!... I had control again (made me forget how easily the life you live can shatter and leave you deaf, dumb, and blind as it blindsides you) and like a child being rip away from his parents arms it was taken from me. Again I had no control and I know all to well that this won't be the last time ... doesn't matter what I say or do.

All of a sudden I start to feel things I have long since stored away. Maybe that's my problem I put things away instead of letting them go. Try and try as I might I just can't let go. It's like a volcano has erupted on the inside and I has this feeling of drowning. Everything starts to fade away and all I am left with is this feeling of drowning. Each breath I take reminds me that it's not really happening but as soon as I realize that I start to drown again ... side note - Funny how my worst fear or one of them is drowning- ...

Calm down, everything is alright I say to myself, but honestly is it really? I'm fucking awake at two in the morning and I am no where near being tired enough to go to bed ... I think that answers my question ... bugga! ... How is this right in any type of FUCKING WAY! Almost Instantaneous everything is turned upside down and for no reason other then to just ruin everything ...

It's as if I'm at war. A war that won't make network news, nor making it on any news papers, hell not even on youtube. Only a few people will know of it and even then it will seem as if I triped a bit while I was walking instead of the actually thing which feels as if I stumbled and fell from the heavens and only had the earth to break my fall. I feel so battered and worn it's sickening.

I try to laugh and shake it off but no not tonight. I try to bottle it up but I stop b/c I know it's not good for me. I try to tell myself I am just being dramatic but this time I am not. I try to breathe but with no avail.

Back to square one I guess .... wooobeefuckingdooo  

You have to be ready for the curve ball

So life likes to keep me on my toes. Just when I thought things were gunning my way life decides it's time to remind me that it's the boss and not me. Things swacked me right in the face and left me for dead pretty much.

Now granted it sucked I'm doing much better now.

In fact I think I was going over bored for a bit with ^^. Yeah but I'm keeping the beginning up just to see how dramatic i can be lol.

Things is that things really did change and while I wouldn't say it was a horrible change I still don't like it and honestly I'm tired of my past finding a way to effect the present but what can you do but roll with the punches and keep on swinging.

So it didn't work out with this person like I had hoped. To much happened and whatever was there went up in a blaze of smoke. Looking back at it I still get a feeling of frustration but I keep level headed and understand that shit happens (especially to good people). Though things didn't end bad between us hell we are still good friends and maybe it's better that way .... who knows...


This College this isn't easy that's for sure but I am glad that the challenge has been keeping me on my toes for the most part. Having real trouble in one of the four classes I have but with a little can-do attitude I'll be okay (as well as pulling my head out of my ass lol). So much I've learned over the past two(ish) months and I couldn't be happier about it. SUU keep it coming please XD

So I'm living with my best friends and I just have to say that these two wonderful idiots have kept me sane (as hard as that is to believe they really have) and helped me keep my cool when things have been rocky. Shit seems to happen to the three of us all the damn time and I think it's good that there is three of us to carry the load.

Hmm ... A very interesting start to the new year. About ten months left ... This should be a very eventful year (has been so far) ... I wonder what's in store ... 

 

Poem: Confused Reality

I look deep into the eyes of the man in the mirror ...

What is it that i see? ...

I look at my soul and count the scars ...

Wearing each one as to say, "I'm still here!" ...

What is it that you see? ...

High walls that hide what's behind my dark brown eyes ...

They make you wonder what's on the other side ...

I try to talk out loud ...

I hear my voice full of emotion, power, and force ...

Telling you how i feel ...

You listen to what I have to say ...

You  hear my voice full of pain undertoned with fear ...

Dancing around every question like all the times before ...

I reach for whatever is left of my life ...

Holding it together as I move along ...

Never giving up no matter the cost ...

You watch me reach for new life ...

Falling apart as i try to hold on ...

About to reach my breaking point ...

Finally I realize the thin ice I built my life on is about to break ...

Taking everything I care about ...

Within seconds all is to be gone ...

Finally you see my eyes have been opened to the truth ...

I look for you ...

Are you walking away? ...

A New Time has arrived

   It's been forever since I last wrote in my blog and so much has changed since then and thank the lord all
this change has been for the better!

   I read older posts I had ... Hell every other post besides a few ... written and my life seriously sucked. I'm lucky I had good friends and family to have made it past all of that sane and sound (for the most part anyway lol). It's truly crazy how much has changed in only six(ish) months. I'm such a happier person and everything in my life is great. Yes I have had long nights and some rocky moments but at the end of every day I have had a smile :) and I know things will get better if they are not already! I can't thank everyone in my life enough for the change that has happen to me.

   I finally found someone who can really make me happy! I was so surprised by who it was (though really I wasn't at the same time!). Things look like they could work and I sure as hell know I would give it my all to see that it does. I''m giving myself a bit of time to see how things play out but I am excited for the future and what it holds! After everything that I went through to get to this point in my life with this type of thing I am truly glad that it has worked out and honestly I have found who I am and what I want. I just hope things can work out between us. It would truly be one of the greatest things in my life. Only time will tell and I choose to make something happen so I can have a chance!

   Finally I am back in college and I have to say I missed it more then I thought (which was already a lot!) and I will not take it lightly at all. All my classes are amazing even ones I had second thoughts about! Who knew things could be so great with the type of classes I am taking. So much is in store for me and I can't wait to see it all! So much goes through my head as I sit in class and I can feel my thoughts form more rapidly  and become more sharp. The knowledge that is gained through a higher education is truly unbelievable and I am more then happy to be able to receive this type of gift.

   Funny how even though I am loving college I can't help but think how I cannot wait for summer. Something tells me that this coming summer is going to be one for the books. I only have good feelings about this coming summer which is something new for me b/c so many times before I would dread the coming of summer for it would always bring change, change that would completely ruin my life at the time. I feel as if the memories and moments that will come of this summer, hell this semester before the summer as well, will shape my future for the coming years. This time around I cannot wait for it!

   Hmm ... things with my mother really haven't changed ... Things are good some days then horrible other days ... Though after long talks with both my best friends and my mother I have come to realize that I shouldn't stress or be angry at things I cannot control. While I can't say that I have completely released all the angry and stress I have over this situation, I can say that I have become better at not letting it effect myself. I am starting to cope with it better and I do what I can for my mother to make things easier for her, or at least I try to. I try not to think about it as much as well. It's not good to dwell on things like that. I will never be able to accept this completely simply b/c it means my mother will be taken from me to soon but I can understand it and do what I can for her.

   I choose to believe that after everything I am becoming a good man. That I have finally started learning from my major past mistakes. That I am a good friend that would give his arm for them. That I am a good brother, son, and family member who would give his life for his them without a second thought. That I can be a good partner.

   Seems like this Superman finally found his colors and knows who he is. It's been a while since things have been this good and never have they stayed like that for a long period of time until now. Most things are in my hands to keep them the way they are. The only person I can blame for things going wrong will be me. I sure as hell will make sure that I don't drop the ball. Things will stay good no matter what happens b/c I don't want to go back to what I was. It was a dark place and nothing good came out of it, well besides that fact that I know what rock bottom is so I can appreciate things way more then I did.

   If anyone ever has said that not a lot can happen in almost 20 years of someones life, less actually If I think about it, then they haven't met yours truly. Whatever happens from here on out is on me. No excuses no surrender. Win or lose I will do things my way. This time around I will have control.

   I stop with this one thought ...


  If everyone who is old enough to understand the dfference between right and wrong were to all commit one random act of kindness everyday there would be over 5 to 6 billion acts of kindness in the world ... Tell me then that would the world be like after that?